Friday, March 4, 2011

A Little Sunshine

Can to do wonders for one’s mood. And I’ll admit that lately my moods have been all over the place the last few months.

Since Jeff’s death, I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to think. Just after Jeff’s death we had over 300 dozen of cookies to make for our orders, that kept me busy till the week of Christmas. Then the holidays happened and that also kept me quite busy.

January brought cleaning some extra houses, 5 days a week, as I helped out a friend. Who I am forever grateful for allowing me to help her out as it made me so tired, I would just fall into bed or on the couch exhausted. I would also force myself to work on my website a bit during January.

Then February came and I was back to my own clients and then the weather happened. Boy did I have a lot of time to think and I really didn’t want to do anything. I did decide to try to get out, wanted to go to a few thrift stores antique stores, I got through 2 and had enough. Bought nothing and went home and laid on the couch.

I know it was bad as in December & January, I did not owe eBay any fees, LOL! My monthly fees are normally over $40 a month, I owed a nickel in December, nothing in January, and $7.20 for February.

This is when my moods just took a nose dive. I was jumpy, cranky, sad, angry lonely, and confused. I feel like I am making excuses for my behavior over these last 6 weeks, but this really is what happened, is still happening, just not as bad.

I am told I am still grieving in some way, maybe, I don’t know. I probably am but know I still think about Jeff a lot. Bruce just the other day called Jeff’s phone to hear his voice. I can’t do. I just can’t bring myself to call, I don’t think I can hear a voice knowing he’s not here. Maybe it will change I don’t know.

I have snapped at Bruce more than once and he at me and we‘ve cried together. I’ve also lashed out at others who are close to me, for no reason I realize after the fact. Then the apologies happen and I feel awful. All I can hope for is forgiveness.

It was bad, so bad that I couldn’t drag myself to the 2 things I love the most, auctions and the barn. Sure, I blamed the cold on not going to the barn, but if I’m honest, I just had no desire to leave the house. I only went where I needed to go for what I needed at the house. I knew I needed stock, but just did not feel like dealing with a crowd or loud pa systems. I just had no desire.

My dreams were also odd and more frequent. And I remember more of them. The ones I don’t, I am waking up with a startled scared feeling. And at times I can’t shake that feeling.

Then the sun started coming out and staying out, I spoke a few friends in a group, she suggest adding Vit. D3 to my regular vitamin. I then decided to step on a scale because a few of my pants were starting to feel big, and the scale read that I am now down about 19lbs, I went out to the barn and my eBay friends and Bruce finally talked me into going to an auction. Glad they did, as I ended up going to an old friends house for a few hours afterwards.  And the best news during all of this is that Bruce’s test came back benign. Talk about a relief.

I’ve listed some eBay auction, a few items on my website, and actually sold a piece, and I've done a few tattos that has helped me too.  And I’ve been to the barn a few times and that always lightens my heart.  I know my behavior is inexcusable, I do regret so much lately.

Along with the sunshine, Bruce, a kiss from my dogs, a nuzzle of my horse, my family & friends have started to help me feel better, I’m beginning to feel like myself again.

My Mom sent me this today and just felt it needed to be added my blog as it seems so relevant.

Making Pancakes

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked!. Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.

Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!
Please pass some of this love on to others....suppose one morning you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them?

Send this to everyone you love, and send it back to the person who sent it to you.. And never stop "making pancakes."


  1. Thank you Kim....God speed to your healing heart...

  2. Kim - The grieving process is long, unreliable, a crooked path. There's denial, of course, but there's also anger and sadness. You have experienced much of both this winter, and you're entitled to all of your feelings. You don't need to apologize to those that care about you because they understand and love you. I just hope with the sunshine and the warmth and rebirth of spring that you'll be feeling better and better...and that you'll be able to think of Jeff with a smile on your face.


Please post your comments, suggestions or questions.