Why?

This is the question we have been asking ourselves for the last 23 days and we will probably continue to ask for many more days to come. Though, it will probably not be multiple times a day, it will dwindle to a few times a week. Or maybe we will stop all together. Right now, we just don’t know.

Never did I think I would ever write a blog on suicide but here I am. I probably still wouldn’t of decided to write it if I hadn’t been talking in my sleep New Years Eve night. According to my husband, I was crying and kept saying “Why did he do it?” “Why” “Why did he do it?” I was talking in my sleep but I do not remember the dream. I’m glad I don’t remember the dream. Not sure I want another sad memory.

As you might of guessed, a loved one committed suicide 23 days ago, on Dec. 11, 2010. He was our nephew, Jeff. He was my husband’s sister’s youngest son. Jeff was/is like our son. I’ve known him since he was six. Bruce and I spent a lot of time with him and his older brother. We watched them while their parents worked. We played games with them, we rough housed with them, and we went places with them. We watched him go through some great times and bad times. We helped them through their parents divorce the best we could. He took most of it on his own shoulders because his brother had joined the service.

As he grew into a man, he was unsure of himself and where he belonged. We watched him try to please his brother, we watched him do all kinds of jobs that he seemed to like and we watched him start a business. He had a business he was good at and he liked. We watched him move from place to place, including living with us for a short stretch of time. Trying to prove himself. As he did all of this he did it with a smile on his face.

And finally 7 years ago we watched him fall in love. We watched him become “settled”, he seemed even more happy than he had always been. He would call, always be happy, cracking jokes, making us laugh. He had hurt his back and shoulder but even through the pain, he was seemed happy.

He called a few years ago saying he was getting married and he was going to be a Dad. We’ve never seen him more proud of himself. 2 ½ years ago, he got married and had a beautiful little girl. But the back and shoulder pain were becoming harder and harder to deal with. He turned to poppy pods/seeds to make tea, along with pain meds. A year and half ago his problem finally came to light to all of us.

He had taken a huge amount of pills, constructed a noose, and went to the local country club golf course. Seems someone seen him going onto the course, called the police. They found him passed out from the pills so he never got to use the noose. We were there when he got into rehab, we were there when he completed his rehab and was clean. We were so proud of him.

We did lose touch just a little when his wife’s mom got sick and they moved in their house to help her. So much has happened since he left rehab, his mother-in-law passed away, his wife’s gram passed away, he loved being a stay at home dad and he worked for UPS. Though, I know he was still struggling. But I know Bruce and him would go out for a drink and to talk. They talked about those “thoughts” and about life in general. Bruce would help him get pass those thoughts. And again, he did all this with a smile on his face, a joke and always willing to give a hug. Again we wonder why did miss the signs?

Dec. 11, 2011, he felt that he couldn’t go on in the pain he was in. He took his own life. He left us with questions we can’t seem to answer. This time he did not come to Bruce for help. While I am at peace that he is in pain no longer, I am having a hard time with he hole he has left in my heart by leaving us.

This is a whole new type of grief to me. So many questions left unanswered. He hid his pain so well that is was a complete surprise to us. I have since then been gathering some info from friends on support groups and reading websites. Our gol now is to help the rest of our family get through this. Our concern is his wife and daughter, and his brother. (our other son) and his family.

I know we will all get through this but it is hard and confusing. So far we are taking it one day at a time. We to talk to Jeff every day, tell him we love and miss him. That we will help take care of his family, all of his family.

We also would like to thank all of our family and friends for all your support and love through these last few weeks Especially, when our minds have been elsewhere, when we have forgotten things we should of remembered, and when we just needed to talk. With your help and love we will get though all of this