It's been a while since I posted to this.  So this will be a quick blog.

We been adding new products in the last few weeks both on the website and on eBay.  We need to move out some stuff, so we can buy some "new" inventory.  And we have been pleasantly surprised inside the last 2 weeks.

We had been sitting on a box of old jewelry for approx. 2 1/2 years.  We were given the box and were told  "It's all junk.  Maybe you can use it for your crafts"  I hadn't made jewelry in a few years, so it sat in the corner collecting dust.  About 2 weeks ago, I decided to finally go through it.  I did find a lot of it was in pieces or were old cheap pierced earrings.  But we did find some nicer marked pieces.

We were very surprised when we found 2 of the pieces, the makers, were very very collectible and worth more than we were expecting.  We ended up selling both pieces.

And it seemed to snowball the sales for a while.  Now, that we've sold just about all the newer listings, we need to get some more stuff listed.  Time to get some stuff done.

The New Year Begins.

It is now 2012, time for goals and change,  both personal & business.  We all usually put too much pressure on ourselves to obtain those unrealistic goals and to make changes.  This year, I've decided to relax some of pressure I put on myself and what I want to achieve.

Some of what I want to achieve with my businesses:
Improving my website by adding a lot more items
Listing more on eBay
Blogging more (try to)
Shopping more for items to sell

Some of my personal goals are:
To try to stay organized
Work with the dogs more
Work on cantering and jumping more
Lose some weight, a reasonable amount (nothing unrealistic)
Not let people get to me

Changes are hard to do within oneself when you have been feeling and doing for so long.  How does one change how their feelings react to others?  But changes in how one eats should be easy, but oh my goodness it's not!  I really want to change my eating habits.

Anyway, I hope we all accomplish in 2012 what we set out to do.

Happy New Year to everyone!

It is a Year already....

Where did the time go, Jeff?

I can not believe that it is a year today....
I can not believe that we are doing okay...
I can not believe that my heart is healing around the hole that your leaving left.

I want you to know, I'm not angry anymore.  I miss you just as much today as a year ago.  The pain is still there but not as strong.  I still cry but not as frequent.

You were my youngest son, that I never had.  I've always been proud of you. I love you with all my heart.
So now..




I believe that we can continue to go on..
I believe that you are a peace and happy...
I believe that we will see you and hug you again.

So until that time, I will think of you often and smile when I see your face or hear your name.
I love you, Jeff, more than you will know.

Tango is at the Rainbow Bridge....

I remember you as a young pup back in 1998, when Kiki didn't want anything to do with you.  When we had to use a playpen for you, till she realized you weren't going anywhere.  6 weeks to the day, she became your best friend and protector.

You were such a smart boy and grew so fast and big that you became my "big dog".  You were mischievous also, you loved to sneak into the garbage, you loved to run around the yard with KiKi.

You were our first German Shepherd and it was you that had me hooked on the breed.  So smart, loyal,  protective and friendly.  You would follow us everywhere.  You changed a little when Bear passed away, the playfulness died little, when Kiki left you, you became even more settled.  That was 3 years ago.

You took to the 2 new GSDs like they had been there as long as you.  Rogue doted on you by kissing you and cleaning your teeth.  Max would sniff you, just to make sure you were okay, I think.

In the last year we have watched you grow so grey in the muzzle, get a few extra lumps, get very unstable on your feet.  Along with a few times we thought we were going to lose you but you rebounded.  But not this time....

Today, we sent you on to meet Bear and Kiki, to be free of any pain and discomfort.  Your sad tired eyes and your body shutting down help us to make this very heart breaking decision.  Holding you as I cried and said goodbye and you closed your eyes for the last time, knowing you were at peace and pain free.  Please know that you were loved more than you realize.

I love you Big Dog, run free with Bear & KiKi, I will see you again....

It's Been a Long Time

Holy cow, did not realize it's been almost 5 months since my last blog!  This one will be short and sweet as I have a few others I want to work on.

I've been so busy the last 5 months with my cleaning business, riding, tattooing, working on the website and listing on eBay, not sure which end is up any more.  And I've started back to Weight Watchers, which I hope I can start a completely different blog on.

I picked up 2 consignments, one from a friend who has been very patient with me getting her stuff up and one from a local church.  That consists of Precious Moments, about 150 of them, along with some vintage shakers & a cookie jar.  Along with the Pyrex, Napco Cookie Jar & Haviland china that have already sold.  We started researching and listing the Precious Moments.  Here is one of the pieces:  This is Our Land, members only piece.

I've started painting XBox controllers, like I need another project.  I'm crazy.

Well, that's about it for now, need to scan in some tattoo designs to post to Facebook for clients.

A Little Sunshine

Can to do wonders for one’s mood. And I’ll admit that lately my moods have been all over the place the last few months.

Since Jeff’s death, I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to think. Just after Jeff’s death we had over 300 dozen of cookies to make for our orders, that kept me busy till the week of Christmas. Then the holidays happened and that also kept me quite busy.

January brought cleaning some extra houses, 5 days a week, as I helped out a friend. Who I am forever grateful for allowing me to help her out as it made me so tired, I would just fall into bed or on the couch exhausted. I would also force myself to work on my website a bit during January.

Then February came and I was back to my own clients and then the weather happened. Boy did I have a lot of time to think and I really didn’t want to do anything. I did decide to try to get out, wanted to go to a few thrift stores antique stores, I got through 2 and had enough. Bought nothing and went home and laid on the couch.

I know it was bad as in December & January, I did not owe eBay any fees, LOL! My monthly fees are normally over $40 a month, I owed a nickel in December, nothing in January, and $7.20 for February.

This is when my moods just took a nose dive. I was jumpy, cranky, sad, angry lonely, and confused. I feel like I am making excuses for my behavior over these last 6 weeks, but this really is what happened, is still happening, just not as bad.

I am told I am still grieving in some way, maybe, I don’t know. I probably am but know I still think about Jeff a lot. Bruce just the other day called Jeff’s phone to hear his voice. I can’t do. I just can’t bring myself to call, I don’t think I can hear a voice knowing he’s not here. Maybe it will change I don’t know.

I have snapped at Bruce more than once and he at me and we‘ve cried together. I’ve also lashed out at others who are close to me, for no reason I realize after the fact. Then the apologies happen and I feel awful. All I can hope for is forgiveness.

It was bad, so bad that I couldn’t drag myself to the 2 things I love the most, auctions and the barn. Sure, I blamed the cold on not going to the barn, but if I’m honest, I just had no desire to leave the house. I only went where I needed to go for what I needed at the house. I knew I needed stock, but just did not feel like dealing with a crowd or loud pa systems. I just had no desire.

My dreams were also odd and more frequent. And I remember more of them. The ones I don’t, I am waking up with a startled scared feeling. And at times I can’t shake that feeling.

Then the sun started coming out and staying out, I spoke a few friends in a group, she suggest adding Vit. D3 to my regular vitamin. I then decided to step on a scale because a few of my pants were starting to feel big, and the scale read that I am now down about 19lbs, I went out to the barn and my eBay friends and Bruce finally talked me into going to an auction. Glad they did, as I ended up going to an old friends house for a few hours afterwards.  And the best news during all of this is that Bruce’s test came back benign. Talk about a relief.

I’ve listed some eBay auction, a few items on my website, and actually sold a piece, and I've done a few tattos that has helped me too.  And I’ve been to the barn a few times and that always lightens my heart.  I know my behavior is inexcusable, I do regret so much lately.

Along with the sunshine, Bruce, a kiss from my dogs, a nuzzle of my horse, my family & friends have started to help me feel better, I’m beginning to feel like myself again.
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My Mom sent me this today and just felt it needed to be added my blog as it seems so relevant.

Making Pancakes

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked!. Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.

Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!
Please pass some of this love on to others....suppose one morning you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them?

Send this to everyone you love, and send it back to the person who sent it to you.. And never stop "making pancakes."

Why?

This is the question we have been asking ourselves for the last 23 days and we will probably continue to ask for many more days to come. Though, it will probably not be multiple times a day, it will dwindle to a few times a week. Or maybe we will stop all together. Right now, we just don’t know.

Never did I think I would ever write a blog on suicide but here I am. I probably still wouldn’t of decided to write it if I hadn’t been talking in my sleep New Years Eve night. According to my husband, I was crying and kept saying “Why did he do it?” “Why” “Why did he do it?” I was talking in my sleep but I do not remember the dream. I’m glad I don’t remember the dream. Not sure I want another sad memory.

As you might of guessed, a loved one committed suicide 23 days ago, on Dec. 11, 2010. He was our nephew, Jeff. He was my husband’s sister’s youngest son. Jeff was/is like our son. I’ve known him since he was six. Bruce and I spent a lot of time with him and his older brother. We watched them while their parents worked. We played games with them, we rough housed with them, and we went places with them. We watched him go through some great times and bad times. We helped them through their parents divorce the best we could. He took most of it on his own shoulders because his brother had joined the service.

As he grew into a man, he was unsure of himself and where he belonged. We watched him try to please his brother, we watched him do all kinds of jobs that he seemed to like and we watched him start a business. He had a business he was good at and he liked. We watched him move from place to place, including living with us for a short stretch of time. Trying to prove himself. As he did all of this he did it with a smile on his face.

And finally 7 years ago we watched him fall in love. We watched him become “settled”, he seemed even more happy than he had always been. He would call, always be happy, cracking jokes, making us laugh. He had hurt his back and shoulder but even through the pain, he was seemed happy.

He called a few years ago saying he was getting married and he was going to be a Dad. We’ve never seen him more proud of himself. 2 ½ years ago, he got married and had a beautiful little girl. But the back and shoulder pain were becoming harder and harder to deal with. He turned to poppy pods/seeds to make tea, along with pain meds. A year and half ago his problem finally came to light to all of us.

He had taken a huge amount of pills, constructed a noose, and went to the local country club golf course. Seems someone seen him going onto the course, called the police. They found him passed out from the pills so he never got to use the noose. We were there when he got into rehab, we were there when he completed his rehab and was clean. We were so proud of him.

We did lose touch just a little when his wife’s mom got sick and they moved in their house to help her. So much has happened since he left rehab, his mother-in-law passed away, his wife’s gram passed away, he loved being a stay at home dad and he worked for UPS. Though, I know he was still struggling. But I know Bruce and him would go out for a drink and to talk. They talked about those “thoughts” and about life in general. Bruce would help him get pass those thoughts. And again, he did all this with a smile on his face, a joke and always willing to give a hug. Again we wonder why did miss the signs?

Dec. 11, 2011, he felt that he couldn’t go on in the pain he was in. He took his own life. He left us with questions we can’t seem to answer. This time he did not come to Bruce for help. While I am at peace that he is in pain no longer, I am having a hard time with he hole he has left in my heart by leaving us.

This is a whole new type of grief to me. So many questions left unanswered. He hid his pain so well that is was a complete surprise to us. I have since then been gathering some info from friends on support groups and reading websites. Our gol now is to help the rest of our family get through this. Our concern is his wife and daughter, and his brother. (our other son) and his family.

I know we will all get through this but it is hard and confusing. So far we are taking it one day at a time. We to talk to Jeff every day, tell him we love and miss him. That we will help take care of his family, all of his family.

We also would like to thank all of our family and friends for all your support and love through these last few weeks Especially, when our minds have been elsewhere, when we have forgotten things we should of remembered, and when we just needed to talk. With your help and love we will get though all of this